Tag Archives: dreams
7 July 2009: an ache
These dreams wherin everything is out of joint. Trying to take the Tube to impossible destinations, unfamiliar geographies. And a slapdash wedding, bald and ugly, the wrong flowers, no guests. Everything is wrong; I can feel it. Pain in my … Continue reading
Filed under treatment journal
2 July 2009: die happy
Another horrible dream several nights ago of perpetual pursuit and eventual death–waiting for the poison to work to its purpose like Act V of Hamlet, and desperately wishing there were something to say to K., something to express love that … Continue reading
Filed under treatment journal
26 June 2009: absence
Sleepless nights and strange morning-dreams. This free-floating anxiety shot into overdrive with the nurse’s call last night: yet another meeting with the surgeon on 7 July, and nothing to be planned until after. There is always this great sickness in the … Continue reading
Filed under treatment journal
30 May 2009: the Disease
Tired of The Disease’s distasteful interruption to my life. A coping mechanism, I suppose, to view it as a nuisance. Trying to quell the terror of the possibility of this new drug’s being just as ineffective as the last was. … Continue reading
Filed under treatment journal
an abstract insight wakes
Oh my God, I thought: I’ve been happy. Happy like a human being. And it makes me want to not take my pills. I’m not scheduling any more appointments; I don’t want to set foot inside a fucking hospital. I went to UPMC last … Continue reading
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still looks like cancer: or, reality bites
A confession: I really love this movie. I used to so adore and identify with Lelaina (Winona Ryder) and her angsty smart girl Big Gulp post-college existence. But now it’s Vickie (Janeane Garofolo) with whom I identify, or this part … Continue reading
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31 March 2009: The euphoria of near-normality
A kind of reconciliation with loneliness, as in realizing that I am not alone entirely, and am ok with the places that I am. The weekend was head-clear, a complete relief. Films and pizza and chocolate, laughter and closeness. A … Continue reading
Filed under treatment journal
23 March 2009: Chemo #1
I’d had nightmares about the chemo over the weekend–IVs filled with burning acid, driven mad by it afterward. K’s fed up with my panic & hysteria & rudeness. Anti-anxiety medication quelled that. We left in the pouring rain and I sit … Continue reading
Filed under treatment journal
28 January 2009: There is a lump in my breast and it increasingly defines me
I began this blog post treatment, but I kept a written journal during the worst of it. In an attempt to begin to synthesize the experience and give some sense of chronology, I’ve decided to begin writing up bits of that … Continue reading
Filed under treatment journal
Help, I Think I’m an ‘A’ Cup
When I once googled “mastectomy support” in search of women who were also trying to deal with the psychological implications of their cancer diagnoses and surgeries, most of the results it returned involved places to buy bras and prostheses. Mastectomy … Continue reading
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